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Biatchs space"Lie to me" she whispered.... "I love you" he said...................... |
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August 28 randomIt's a new feeling. I'm used to having to fight for someone. But the fact that someone actually wants me for who I am, that feeling is just incredible.
I love how we laugh at the same things
We both have &
get caught staring at each other;
&
then look away fast to pretend nothing happened.
Like you haven't been on my mind all this time
-&&-
There comes a time in your life
When you're tired of And trying to fix things
It's not giving up.
It's realizing you don't need certain people
And the BS they bring along with them
-&&-
I've noticed that being with you
I smile a little more often,
I anger a little less quickly.
The sun shines a little bit brighter
&
life is so much sweeter. August 14 ...a guy & a girl can be just friends
but at one point
they will fall for each other
maybe temporarily
maybe at the wrong time
maybe too late
OR
maybe forever
~~~~~~~&~~~~~~~
I wanna be the girl
he gives his hoodie to wear
&&
cuddles up next to me when it cold.
I want him to come up behind me
&&
wrap his arms around my waist
catch me off guard
&&
whisper in my ear
you look beautiful
~~~~~~~&~~~~~~~
Sometimes i wish
you would pay more attention to my favourite songs
Coz the lyrics they sing
are the words im too scared to say
May 13 ...March 23 wat i neededMarch 16 .....
January 08 dnt judge me!Do ppl not realise how hard it is to change the way you think? The way you act?When that way is all you've ever known, it's freaking had to get out of that routine so to speak. It's easy for sumone else to turn around and say that it's not that hard, because nine times out of ten, they havent been through the same thing that you have. And if they havent been through the same thing as you have, what gives them the right to judge you and to look down on you, when really they have no idea what the hell is going on in you life and in your head. Crap, i do the best that i can, and sumtimes i know that its not enough, and i know that i get scared and freak, but who wouldn't ya know? Its friggen hard. Don't go to judge me wen you don't know me and don't know wat i'm about and wat i've been through, coz thats not fair. January 06 ....The true friends will be there though all the hard times. They will be able to look past the fake smiles and know that somethings wrong. They will know your very worst and very best sides.
They will be able to make you smile during the saddest of days, and when they can't relate to you they will still care and understand & they love you despite your insecurities and flaws -&-
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD SMILE WITH THE SAD ; LOVE WHAT YOU GOT REMEMBER WHAT YOU HAD. ALWAYS FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET. LEARN FROM MISTAKES & NEVER REGRET. CAUSE PEOPLE CHANGE THINGS GO WRONG ; BUT JUST REMEMBER L i F E G O E S O N March 14 first thing first i need to say a big thank you to amilia and the 'no name' for your comments. gave me alot to think about. amilia do i have you on messenger? if not leave an addy so i can add ya, would be good to chat i think :) and 'no name' i wish you would have left a name lol! coz i dnt know who you are, cnt tell by the writing lol. let me know who you are k? the scrapbook would be a good idea except he cnt bear to look at pictures coz it gives him nightmares, i had to take the pictures down in his room as well as in mine plus the ones out of my wallet becoz of the nightmares, since i took them dwn so that he cnt see them he hasnt had any nightmares, dnt undastand it but oh well lol. And i have to say a big shout out to the Leaukemia Foundation as they are gunna supply me with books for him to help him undastand wat has happened since his main question is "why did he get sick?" and "why did he leave us all alone?", so they are being great about that plus they are offering my counselling for him wen i think that he's ready for that which is totally awesum!!!!!! And i have finally decided that yes i am gunna move, theres too many memories here for me and my boy so a fresh start is well overdue, well will be by the time we get around to moving lol!!!
uuummm..... wat else has happened??? oh i finished my first two assignments for my study!! yah!!!! been working really hard at it eh, so havent had much of a life the last couple of weeks lol, but such is the price if i wanna do it properly. Yea well i think thats about it pplz eh! keep the comments cummin ppl!!!
Amanda
Live every day like it was your last coz you never know wat tomorrows gunna bring!
Have no regrets coz at that point in time it was exactly what you wanted! March 02 If only he was old enoughto fully comprehend it. But i know that he's not, i mean he's still only four.... Maybe im expecting too much of him, thinking that he was starting to understand it. I don't know, i'm at a loss. Nothing i seem to do or say is making him feel better about it. I mean its a big thing to lose your dad, but even more so wen your soo young that you didnt even really get a chance to know him properly.
As you may have been able to tell pplz, yes im talking about my son and his dad. He's having a real hard time of it lately, especially in the last two days for sum reason. He's been asking questions left right and centre, some of them ones i don't have an answer for, like "how did my dad get sick?". If we knew that we might be able to find a cure! I had no response to that, all i could tell him was that i had no idea! and it totally broke my heart because i didnt have all the answers for him. He asked me to go to the cemetary today, so we went this afternoon after school. The first time that we have been in a long time, like over a year, because i cnt stand to watch his heart break all over again every time. But i did today because he asked it of me, so we went and put sum flowers.. we were there for over an hour, all of it spent crying, talking and crying sum more. Him asking more questions, like will his dad be dead for ever and questions like that which i found hard to answer through the crying from watching his face crumble as soon as the questions came out of his mouth. All i could say most of the time was that i was sorry, sorry for making the decision to let his dad pass when he did, sorry for the fact that i listened to him and took him to the cemetary in the first place when i knew wat he was goign to be like, sorry for the fact that i cant turn back time and make it all better or make it all go away, and sorry for the fact that i dnt have the answer for every one of his questions.
It was soo heartbreaking. We wnt be going back there again soon thats for sure. Yet sumtimes i think to myself what would he have been like if he had never met his dad, had never known that his dad was terminally ill and dying, would never have known that heartbreaking feeling of your heart being ripped out and trodden on because sumone you loved soo much had died and that there was nothing that you could have done to change it. Would he still be the same person that he is today? would he still ask questions as to wat might have been?..... I know its no sense to dwell, but i cnt help but wonder, did i do the right thing by letting him know his father even though i knew that he was dying? Did i do the wrong thing by him? and if so then does it come back to me that he is the way that he is today? all messed up and full of question? I just don't know, and he wants to know soo much about him, like wat he was like as a child and things like that which i dnt have an answer for because i dnt know....
Im just at a loss ppl, sorry to leave this all on ya's but i really had to get it out eh. Sorry.....
Amanda
its wat you do, not what you say that really matters.
live every day like it was your last, you never know wat tomorrows gunna bring.
And No regrets, coz at that point in time it was exactly wat you wanted
February 26 aaarrrggghhhwell todays blog ppl is going to be a big b*tch, I mean really as if im gunna use my son. If i
a) decided i wasnt interested in you
b) no longer wanted to be with you or
c) anything that may slightly resemble anything above mentioned
There is no way that i would use my son as an excuse to end it or watever. I am not that type of person. He is THE most important person in my life and always will be and i will do everything within my power to make sure that he is happy. If he doesnt like you, then its not gunna happen. And im not gunna lie to you and tell you that he doesnt like you as an excuse not to hafta see you or deal with you. If he's not happy then i cant be. I trust his judge of character, he's usually right about it.
And if you cant deal with that fact then im sorry but you really need to get over yourself, not everything is about you. And it took you long enough to bring the fact up again, considering in the first place that i told you that if he didnt like you that would be that, and as soon as he told me that he didnt like, that he thought you were an asshole, i told you! I didnt lie to you about it, nor did i tell you any half truths. You knew how it was right from the start!!! So i really think that you should get over yourself and begin to realise that i am not that type of person. That was really harsh for you to say that eh January 24 messedWhy is it that people always seem to feel the need to mess with your head? And just don't think at all before they do or say stuff, sometimes though its what they dnt do or say that messes with ya, which really just succeeds in messing ya up more. I can't seem to stop all these thoughts that are racing round in my head eh, and its driving me crazy. And people are just putting more thoughts there. And i can't shake this really bad feeling eh, had it since friday driving down to my sisters, dn't know wat it is , just like this feeling of dread, although i dnt know at it is or wat its about. Hope that goes soon too coz it's really starting to affect me and my whole mood. I find myself taking it out on other people when it really has nothing to do with them, or does it? I don't know. so messed up, wish it would just go......................... January 22 Wknd!Well maybe this weekend wasnt the best time to wear my new mokini!!! Got seriously burnt at the beach sunday, so i now will have the weirest tan line lol!!!! oh the price we pay to look good! Looked hot though so its ok!!! lol.......
Had a great weekend. Took Mr R to the rail workshops in ipswich to see teh thomas the tank thing and he had an absolute ball, and even i had a good time which i wasnt expecting! I think it had something to do with how happy he was and just how in awe he is lol!!! got sum awesum pics of him on and in trains!! gunna remember that for a while! Was a really great day!!!!
Then went to the beach on sunday, hence the sunburn lol, but hey at least i know he's not scared of the beach after the whole jellyfish encounter!!! so paying the price with the sunburn though, think i'm nearly blistering. Oh well, i'll eventually go nice and brown, just will hafta fix the tan lines lol!!!!!
Have't got much planned for the week, have a job interview wednesday so hope that goes ok. Hhmm.... long wknd tis wknd,, might actually mean summin to me if i had a 5 day job lol!! dnt have anything planned for it though which sux, work most probly.
Anyway cruising pplz!!!! Take care and have fun. Live each day like it was your last, and don't leave things unsaid!!!!!!
Biatch!!!!! January 16 Weirded OutWell i'm a bit weirded out today, for reasons that will soon be explained. I completely dnt know wat to make of it.
Firstly i need to explain that it is only myself, my boy and my mother that live in this house, and no-one stayed over. When i got home from work this morning my mum informed of how my boy woke up, but before she could finish the story he cut in and finished telling me himself, and she agreed that this was how it happened. He told me that he heard a male voice tell him that it was time to wake up, he wasnt dreaming, he actually heard it. The tv was on in the lounge but it wasnt loud enough to hear it in my bedroom, (he's been coming back in to my bed during the night lately, dnt know why). So it could not have been the tv that he heard! I'm soo weirded out eh! wat do i make of that? My boys not one to lie to me, so i know he's not lying. aarrgghhh........ I dn't know wat to think of it. My head hurts from analyzing it ova and ova again!!!!!! January 14 ThinkingsI know that i wrote earlier today, but i just have summin to get off my chest eh, so i thought i'd write about it..
So this afternoon has really been a thinkings type of afternoon....... Not thinking bout anything in particular, just everything lol... For starters, where my life is at? well lets see, i still live with my mum, which isnt a problem coz she watches my boy while i work etc plus i love my mum, im not ashamed to admit it lol. She's helped me out soo much over the last couple of yrs wen i thought that i wasn't gunna make it. Work? yes well i do have a job, which i like coz its outdoors and its keeping me fit, and its soo convenient around my boy, i'm thinking i need to start looking more long term though. yes i know that i start study this year and that will keep me busy and then in a few years i'll be a fully qualified Child Psychologist, but wat till then?....... I know what i want to do with my life, it's just wat do i do till i get there?...
Which brings me to the most important factor in my life..... my son. So the thinking there is am i bringing him up right? Am i doing anything wrong? He's getting a bit out of control again... Is that something to do with me???.... and if not then why the change? Just a phase??? See i don't know... hence the thinkings. Then theres other aspects to do with him. He's started having his nightmares again and won't sleep in his own bed... Is this due to the whole D thing? and the thought of going to big school where there will be heaps of D's dropping off their kids? Or is this somehow cum back to me? I'm feeling soo lost atm.... Could it have something to do with the fact that i haven't taken him to visit D's resting place in over a year, becoz i cnt stand to see how upset he gets afterwards? Have i somehow subconsiously messed up my boys head by making the decision that i did on that fateful day? Should i have just let it pan out as nature intended? No that would have been worse for him and i couldn't have done that to D. Like these are the strain of thoughts that have been going through my head all afternoon.... Not good for my head i tell ya!!!!! And wat if he resents me in the future for the decisions that i've made for us in the past and in the future? Does every parent have this doubt? I just don't undastand, i try as best as i can and i think i do a bloody good job at looking after my son by myself, he never wants for a thing, he knows how much he is loved, he knows that i live for him!, and yet he can treat me soo bad sometimes and really hurt me, so im like 'wat have i done?'. im just........... i dunno. Its obviously not a great day today!
Been thinking bout heaps more too, like my life with relationships, with my boy with relationships more to the point lol........... But gotta go!!! lol will write bout all that at a later date! (once i know wat's going on lol). I hate thinking so much..... driving me nuts today! Wish i could just turn it off........
Gotta check dinna.... mmmmmmm pork lol!!!
Biatch!!!
Have fun all
HeyHey pplz!!!! Well today hass been better than yseterday! yesterday was not a good day lol. I slept through my alarm twice, so i was late starting work, so it was totally hot by the time i finished, not good!!!!!! Then i cum home and Mr R starts being very naughty! havent seen him like that for ages eh! it was all tears, backchatting, and totally not listening to my reasoning, all because he had to get dressed so we could go shopping!!! Bad day off to an even worse afternoon!!!!
But today has been great!!! Boring but productive!! lol. finally got around to cleaning the car out! and OMG i actually vacummed and Mr Sheen'd it. Looks like it did wen i got it lol!!!! Too bad bout the outside being dirty lol.
Go back down to my sista's nxt weekend, while im down there gunna take robert to sum Thomas The Tank Engine thing that they have on at sum train place in Ipswich..... I hate thomas, but he'll like it so im prepared to put up with it for the day lol!!! he's gunna go absolutely nuts wen we get there i can see it now.... So why was it again that im taking him??? Oh yea, coz he loves thomas and trains lol
Hafta find time to go to the beach again whie im dwn there, coz i finally own a MOKINI!!!! Yah for me!!! Its so totally hot eh!!!! Cnt wait to wear it! Looks so rocking on eh!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways thats bout it and gotta go coz the boys up!!! So take care and live life to the fullest!!!!!!
Biatch Amanda!!! January 09 No computer! sob and wknd!Hey pplz!!!! well it was a rocking wknd. went to ma sista's and took my boy to the beach , only to be there for like 15 minutesbecause my boy got stung by a jelly-fish, and OMG did he scream!!! and omg did i cry! there was nothing i could do for him the poor boy! but he ended up getting a free ice-cream out of it the little bugga lol!
Got sum awesum pics though at Cedar Creek Falls, in one he's pretending to be a t-rex. its totally classic lol!!
And so now im without a computer! Only till friday till i get my new one though so it kool And its betta than the one that i had. so yah! for me!!!! Lucky mum has hers lol!!!
Anyway pplz thats bout it eh! So stay safe and take care and live life to the fullest!!!!!
Biatch!!!!!! |
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