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August 28 It's a new feeling.
I'm used to having to fight for someone.
But the fact that someone actually wants me for who I am, that feeling is just incredible.
He isn't acting.
-&&-
I love how we laugh at the same things
We both have dorky smiles
&
get caught staring at each other;
&
then look away fast to pretend nothing happened.
Like you haven't been on my mind all this time
-&&-
There comes a time in your life
When you're tired of chasing everyone
And trying to fix things
It's not giving up.
It's realizing you don't need certain people
And the BS they bring along with them
-&&-
I've noticed that being with you
I smile a little more often,
I anger a little less quickly.
The sun shines a little bit brighter
&
life is so much sweeter.
August 14 a guy & a girl can be just friends
but at one point
they will fall for each other
maybe temporarily
maybe at the wrong time
maybe too late
OR
maybe forever
~~~~~~~&~~~~~~~
I wanna be the girl
he gives his hoodie to wear
&&
cuddles up next to me when it cold.
I want him to come up behind me
&&
wrap his arms around my waist
catch me off guard
&&
whisper in my ear
you look beautiful
~~~~~~~&~~~~~~~
Sometimes i wish
you would pay more attention to my favourite songs
Coz the lyrics they sing
are the words im too scared to say
May 13
When the rest of the world walks out
I'll still be here....
I promise....
But will you still be here for me i wonder??
March 23 All I needed was for you to catch me as I fell -&- it hurts so much becoz you didn't   
March 22
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At what point in our lives do we decide that enough is enough?
How do we decide just how much we are going to put up with from one person or another? And why do we put up with heaps from one person, and less from others?
How much hurt do we have to put ourselves through before we see that we are not only hurting ourselves but them aswell?
And if we aren't hurting them, then why do we allow ourselves to put up with being hurt just because we may love that person?
And if we are in love with that person, yet they do not love us back, why does that person not see that they are hurting us? And why we allow them to do that to us?
Why do we insist almost on allowing other people to play hurtful little mind games on us? Why do we not stand up for ourselves and say enough is enough? It is either on way or another? Tell them that they cannot have it both ways?
Does that come down to the fact that we are chicken shit and scare of what they might say in return to that? That they might say something that we do not want to hear? Or do we just let it continue, because truth be told that is all that we are used to in the end?
Does it make us feel safe knowing that the same stuff will keep happening over and over again? Even if it breaks us every time it happens?
Why do we put up with all of this crap? When deep inside we know that we deserve better? Or does it come down to the fact that because we have never had better, that we are truly afraid of it?
Does everything eventually come back to fear again? And if so, how do we convince ourselves to move past that and get on with what we know we should really be doing?
And why is it, that we allow our feelings for this one person or another to completely cloud our judgement on what really might be going on? Does that come down to human nature?
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March 16
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well life has been pretty crap still since i wrote last. Had sum good times too though. My boy had his tonsils taken out, which wasnt as bad as i first thought lol.
As to otha aspects of my life well...... it was never meant to be easy was it? I just dnt get why it has to be quite so hard. Why did i have to go and fall in love with him, like OMG, it would have been so much easier if i wasnt in love with him. Since i know that he'll never love me back, well not the way i want him to anyways, man life sux eh. But i spose you cnt help who ya fall for eh.
But things with my boy are going well, he's starting to become really arrogant and shit though, so i gotta start being hard on him which i must admit is really hard and hurts so much. How cum he didnt come with a manual??
I am soo far over ppl judging me though on wat i do or wat i have dun in the past. I'm sorry but is it not my life? Were they not my choices to make? Yes ok i could have made sum betta ones, but the choices that i made back then have made me the person tht i am today, and the choices that i make now will shape me for the person that i will be in the future. So dnt judge me, everyone has choices to make in their life, every single one of us, and if its a mistake, most of us will take that and learn from it. And regardless, everything happens for a reason, whateva that reason may be, it may take years to find out what that reason was, but everything has its purpose.
Anyways pplz i gotta go! i've dribbled on enuf crap for one day lol! chat lata
Biatch!!!!
Remember its way you do, not wat you say that really matters!
And when the rest of the world walks out, I'll still be here.... I promise!!!
| January 08 Do ppl not realise how hard it is to change the way you think? The way you act?When that way is all you've ever known, it's freaking had to get out of that routine so to speak. It's easy for sumone else to turn around and say that it's not that hard, because nine times out of ten, they havent been through the same thing that you have. And if they havent been through the same thing as you have, what gives them the right to judge you and to look down on you, when really they have no idea what the hell is going on in you life and in your head. Crap, i do the best that i can, and sumtimes i know that its not enough, and i know that i get scared and freak, but who wouldn't ya know? Its friggen hard. Don't go to judge me wen you don't know me and don't know wat i'm about and wat i've been through, coz thats not fair.
 
January 06
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Hey pplz!!! Been such a long time since i written eh!! So much has happened!
Firstly let me say to everyone that i hope you's all had an awesum chrissy and an even better new year!!!
Its weird how life will just be cruising along nicely, not exactly the way the you want it, but nice enough not to complain to much, then all of a sudden reality cums up and bites ya on the arse eh! Well thats wat it was like for me today anyways. It all started out good enough ya know, then all of a sudden, wham, i'm stuck in the middle of this in depth d&m all about me. I'm like wat? seriously?
And then for you to realise that ultimately you are the only one that the blame can be layed on, the only one to take the fall, its like shit. I hadn't realised that it all came down to me, but then again i have to much pride to ask anyone else for help either. It's my problem right, so i should deal with it? F#*k thats not right eh! Didnt even realise till we started talking bout it that it was such a problem and that i was finding it soo hard to deal with in the first place, and then to realise aswell that the problem ultimately stems from fear, it like what? Where the hell did that cum from and/or why didnt i realise that earlier and saved myself from alot of stress and pain? Is it harder to realise that the problem mite lay with ourselves and not others?
It's so much easier to blame other things around us for our downfalls and pain, but we all have a say at one point or another, its just wat path we take to choose that leads us to where we are now. So then we have no choice but to try and learn from that as to not make the same mistake in the future and hopefully realise where the problem lies before it grabs hold too much on our lives and makes it harder to realise and get out of.
What do we do wen it mite be too late? We cn't go back and change it? I say have no regrets, thats wat i live by, but then i get this niggling wot if? in the bak of my mind. I know i wouldn't change anything that i have dun in my life, coz all of that has made me the person that i am today, which is a much better person than i was a few years ago, but i think it also made me a more selfish person. No that doesnt sound right, coz im not selfish but... I cnt find the words to describe what it is that im feeling when it comes to that. Its not selfish though coz anyone that knows me knows that everyone else comes before myself, theres nothing i wouldnt do for sumone within reason. But i still.... I dunno eh. Its too hard to explain.
All i know is that i am soo emotionally drained atm, i've never full on cries whilst having a d&m about myself before. Shit really hit home eh and it friggen sux, coz now i'm even more confused than i was before, and it lakes shit soo much harder to deal with. And to realise that it all cums down a thing as simple as fear!!!! WTF?????? Not right eh!
And then make it more complicated in a way i spose i have this other shit that i'm trying to deal with that has nothing at all to do with the d&m today, but in the end ultimately also comes back to a fear issue and im like are you serious??? Is there ever gunna be an END to this crap?? There'd wanna be eh, i feel like im going nuts eh. All this shits just rolling round in my head and i have no idea wats going on with anything, and i wish soo much that i could just turn around and say f*#k it all, i dnt care anymore, but then we all know that thats not me either, so i have no choice, so i should just shut up and get on with it already eh.
Biatch!!!!!!!!!!
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The true friends will be there though all the hard times.
They will be able to look past the fake smiles
and know that somethings wrong.
They will know your very worst and very best sides.
They will be able to make you smile during the
saddest of days, and when they can't relate to you
they will still care and understand
& they love you despite your insecurities and flaws
-&-
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD
SMILE WITH THE SAD ; LOVE WHAT YOU GOT
REMEMBER WHAT YOU HAD. ALWAYS FORGIVE
BUT NEVER FORGET. LEARN FROM MISTAKES
& NEVER REGRET. CAUSE PEOPLE CHANGE
THINGS GO WRONG ; BUT JUST REMEMBER
L i F E G O E S O N May 01
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Well went to sea world on the wknd! Had a feaking awesum time eh!!!! The boy had a total ball! apart from me having to get them to stop the Pirate Ship coz he was totally packing it, and him absolutely freaking on the Bermuda Triangle Ride! He was shit scared the poor thing!!! But he totally loved seeing all the animals, specially all the sharks (thats the real reason that we went lol).
Apparently he has an attachment disorder. whoeva heard of an attachment disorder? they rekon that he's to attached to me, how can a five year old b too attached to his mum when i'm all he's ever had? Bloody stupid if ya ask me!
Anyways thats bout it peepes! have a good one, take care
live every day like it was your last, you never know wat tomorrow will bring!
Have no regrets, coz at that point in time it was exactly wat you wanted!
And rememba!, its wat you do not wat you say that really matters!!!!!
Biatch!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| | April 23
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Hey pplz!!! Well easter has been and gone and it was totally awesum! had the egg hunt and stuff and the boys loved it!!!!
Not much else exciting has been happening really! Except ma boy turned the big 5!!!! he was soo excited it was awesum1 it wasnt quite as good a day as i wanted it to be, but thats no fault of my own, but i made sure he had a great day anyways!!!!! Its soo hard to believe that hes five already! it doesnt seem like that long ago that i was just finding out i was pregnant lol. And he's back at school which is awesum lol.
Oh and going to sea world this wknd! neva been so cnt wait!!! taking the boy, he only wants to see the sharks though apparently lol!!!!
cruising pplz!!!! take care
Biatch!!!!!!
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| | April 06
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Woohoo!!!! Its Easter time again!!! yah!!! Having an easter egg hunt this year for my boy and his cousin! gunna be awesum!!!
Everythings going great atm ppl eh! My boys doing great at school, he was a lion in the circus that they put on for us and he did really well at the school lapathon!! He's just doign really well!! And he's like 5 in a week and a bit! I cant believe he's that old already, its doesnt seem like that long ago that i had him! he's growing up too quick sob sob lol.
We're going to the Zoo tomorrow! cant wait eh, gunna be awesum. he's gunna like freak at all the animals i think, but its gunna be soo much fun! anyways thats bout it atm
Take care, live every day like it was ur last, and No regrets coz at that point in time it exactly wat you wanted!!!!!!
Biatch Amanda!!!
| March 25
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well pplz! went down to ma sista's for the wknd, had a total blast eh. Went to the beach at uumm.... tallebudgera (think thats how you spell it lol) he swallowed sooo much water the poor thing lol! but he still has a ball eh!! the whole weekend was just really cruisy, no stress which was awesum! yah!! Its weird but getting away even for just a couple of days always seems to make us interact better. I think its because we both relax soo much lol, but wen we get home he's easier to talk to and behaves better and stuff. Its almost like it makes us closer which i didnt think was possible, because we're as close as a mother and son can be. hhhmmm.... Its all sweet though.
Not much else has been happening eh, although im getting my study done! yah for me!!!!!! Most of it is pretty straightforward which is awesum lol, dnt think i could handle confusing stuff atm lol. figuring that'll cum soon enough anyways.
And OMG!!!! isnt this table awesum! its from corona gurl! click the link and give her a look eh! tables of every kind.
Anyways pplz think thas bout it for the moment. Gotta go eat sum pizza yum yum lol.
live every day like it was your last, you never know wat tomorrows gunna bring.
Remember its what you do not what you say that really matters.
And NO regrets, coz at that point in time it was exactly what you wanted!
Biatch!!!!
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| | March 14 i need to say a big thank you to amilia and the 'no name' for your comments. gave me alot to think about. amilia do i have you on messenger? if not leave an addy so i can add ya, would be good to chat i think :) and 'no name' i wish you would have left a name lol! coz i dnt know who you are, cnt tell by the writing lol. let me know who you are k? the scrapbook would be a good idea except he cnt bear to look at pictures coz it gives him nightmares, i had to take the pictures down in his room as well as in mine plus the ones out of my wallet becoz of the nightmares, since i took them dwn so that he cnt see them he hasnt had any nightmares, dnt undastand it but oh well lol. And i have to say a big shout out to the Leaukemia Foundation as they are gunna supply me with books for him to help him undastand wat has happened since his main question is "why did he get sick?" and "why did he leave us all alone?", so they are being great about that plus they are offering my counselling for him wen i think that he's ready for that which is totally awesum!!!!!! And i have finally decided that yes i am gunna move, theres too many memories here for me and my boy so a fresh start is well overdue, well will be by the time we get around to moving lol!!!
uuummm..... wat else has happened??? oh i finished my first two assignments for my study!! yah!!!! been working really hard at it eh, so havent had much of a life the last couple of weeks lol, but such is the price if i wanna do it properly. Yea well i think thats about it pplz eh! keep the comments cummin ppl!!!
Amanda
Live every day like it was your last coz you never know wat tomorrows gunna bring!
Have no regrets coz at that point in time it was exactly what you wanted! March 02 to fully comprehend it. But i know that he's not, i mean he's still only four.... Maybe im expecting too much of him, thinking that he was starting to understand it. I don't know, i'm at a loss. Nothing i seem to do or say is making him feel better about it. I mean its a big thing to lose your dad, but even more so wen your soo young that you didnt even really get a chance to know him properly.
As you may have been able to tell pplz, yes im talking about my son and his dad. He's having a real hard time of it lately, especially in the last two days for sum reason. He's been asking questions left right and centre, some of them ones i don't have an answer for, like "how did my dad get sick?". If we knew that we might be able to find a cure! I had no response to that, all i could tell him was that i had no idea! and it totally broke my heart because i didnt have all the answers for him. He asked me to go to the cemetary today, so we went this afternoon after school. The first time that we have been in a long time, like over a year, because i cnt stand to watch his heart break all over again every time. But i did today because he asked it of me, so we went and put sum flowers.. we were there for over an hour, all of it spent crying, talking and crying sum more. Him asking more questions, like will his dad be dead for ever and questions like that which i found hard to answer through the crying from watching his face crumble as soon as the questions came out of his mouth. All i could say most of the time was that i was sorry, sorry for making the decision to let his dad pass when he did, sorry for the fact that i listened to him and took him to the cemetary in the first place when i knew wat he was goign to be like, sorry for the fact that i cant turn back time and make it all better or make it all go away, and sorry for the fact that i dnt have the answer for every one of his questions.
It was soo heartbreaking. We wnt be going back there again soon thats for sure. Yet sumtimes i think to myself what would he have been like if he had never met his dad, had never known that his dad was terminally ill and dying, would never have known that heartbreaking feeling of your heart being ripped out and trodden on because sumone you loved soo much had died and that there was nothing that you could have done to change it. Would he still be the same person that he is today? would he still ask questions as to wat might have been?..... I know its no sense to dwell, but i cnt help but wonder, did i do the right thing by letting him know his father even though i knew that he was dying? Did i do the wrong thing by him? and if so then does it come back to me that he is the way that he is today? all messed up and full of question? I just don't know, and he wants to know soo much about him, like wat he was like as a child and things like that which i dnt have an answer for because i dnt know....
Im just at a loss ppl, sorry to leave this all on ya's but i really had to get it out eh. Sorry.....
Amanda
its wat you do, not what you say that really matters.
live every day like it was your last, you never know wat tomorrows gunna bring.
And No regrets, coz at that point in time it was exactly wat you wanted
February 26 well todays blog ppl is going to be a big b*tch, I mean really as if im gunna use my son. If i
a) decided i wasnt interested in you
b) no longer wanted to be with you or
c) anything that may slightly resemble anything above mentioned
There is no way that i would use my son as an excuse to end it or watever. I am not that type of person. He is THE most important person in my life and always will be and i will do everything within my power to make sure that he is happy. If he doesnt like you, then its not gunna happen. And im not gunna lie to you and tell you that he doesnt like you as an excuse not to hafta see you or deal with you. If he's not happy then i cant be. I trust his judge of character, he's usually right about it.
And if you cant deal with that fact then im sorry but you really need to get over yourself, not everything is about you. And it took you long enough to bring the fact up again, considering in the first place that i told you that if he didnt like you that would be that, and as soon as he told me that he didnt like, that he thought you were an asshole, i told you! I didnt lie to you about it, nor did i tell you any half truths. You knew how it was right from the start!!! So i really think that you should get over yourself and begin to realise that i am not that type of person. That was really harsh for you to say that eh February 21
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Hey pplz!!!! Well my birthday has been and gone and it was awesum!! My boy got my a jewellery box (in his favourite colour lol) and fake white roses, 'coz that way they won't ever die' he said!!! was soo totally cute!!! oh and thanx sista for the playboy seatcovers!! totally love em to bits!!!
went out in brissy on ma bday nite, started off really slow, but got betta as the nite went on! had a ball eh!!!
Can honestly say that my life is looking up! Getting my boys problems sorted out, and on the way to getting mine sorted lol!!! Study isnt going so well, just cnt seem to get into it properly, but everything else is looking great!!!
Don't ya just totally love this table?? its soo hot! got it from  go give her a checkout! awesum tables and stuff!!!!
well thats about it from me atm peeps!!! Live everyday like it was your last and NO regrets!!!!
Biatch!!!!!!
| | February 13
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Yah!!! Tomorrows valentines day!!! My boy has got me a pressie for it, but im not supposed to know, its meant to be a secret lol. Even though i know wat it is and where its hidden lol!!! Its the thought that counts! Its soo cute though coz he's been running out everyday and asking nan if its the day yet!!!! makes my heart melt! :) But then he got relly worried because he didnt have anything for my birthday which is on friday so nan had to explain to him that she's taking him shopping for that on thursday! Soo totally cute!!!!
Oh and got him into this afl auskick thing that the school has going atm. Its like an eight week thing. Had his first thing yesterday and he loved it!!! Sooo pleased eh!!!!
Anyways pplz!! thats bout it! Have a wonderful Valentines day with the ppl you love. Live every day like it was your last and No regrets!!!!!
Biatch!!!
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February 02
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Well the first week of school is over! And sob sob Mr R was totally fine with it! even on his first day, no tears, no tantrums, just a "I'm fine now mum, you can go now". Nearly broke my heart lol! But i didnt cry which im very proud of! He knew that i was close though! But he's totally loving it, which is fantastic. He's coping with it better then i am lol!!!!
Anyways pplz!! have a good one! Take care and live every day like it was your last and No Regrets!!!!
Biatch!!!!
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| | January 28
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Well today is a new day and i'm treating it as such!!! So i'm detoxing my life as a way to put it! Getting rid of the crap (sorry if you fall into this category!) and bring in the new! Decided that it's time to take control of my life and where it's going and most importantly WHO'S in it! And it's about time that i finally dealt properly with the skeletons that are in my closet, hence why im going to go to counselling, which is soo hard for me to admit, because i dnt like admitting to the fact that im not superwoman and that i can't do and deal with everything by myself. But how am i meant to help my son understand and move past stuff properly if i haven't? exactly i can't. So off to see them it is lol!!!!
The next big thing i've decided to do is to buy a house, big step but im turning 24 and my son's turning 5 this year so i think that we both need that stability in our lives. It won't happen straight away, but in the nxt year. The only thing with that is working out exactly where i wanna be, whether it be here in Toowoomba or closer to the coast, (loving the coast atm). It's just working out what will be best for both me and my boy, coz once i buy a house, thats it, i'm there ya know.
And there's a few more stuff that i need to do and work out to get my life totally sorted out, but i won't write bout that.......... Thats a bit too personal lol........
well anyways pplz! thats about it for this blog today!! i'm feeling really drained today! Too much thinking lol!!!!
Take care and live everyday like it was your last, and make sure you don't regret anything!!!
Biatch!!!
Got this table from
 Check her out!
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| | January 24 Why is it that people always seem to feel the need to mess with your head? And just don't think at all before they do or say stuff, sometimes though its what they dnt do or say that messes with ya, which really just succeeds in messing ya up more. I can't seem to stop all these thoughts that are racing round in my head eh, and its driving me crazy. And people are just putting more thoughts there. And i can't shake this really bad feeling eh, had it since friday driving down to my sisters, dn't know wat it is , just like this feeling of dread, although i dnt know at it is or wat its about. Hope that goes soon too coz it's really starting to affect me and my whole mood. I find myself taking it out on other people when it really has nothing to do with them, or does it? I don't know. so messed up, wish it would just go.........................
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